Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Redeem this text for a blowjob
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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