I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
