Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
