My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Randomize
