I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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