You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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