you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
