after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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