I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
