dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
