dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
