so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
