I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
