I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Someone signed my nipple.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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