Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Randomize
