Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
