Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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