Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
