I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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