normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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