she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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