when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
