take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
