Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
