i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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