now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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