She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
