i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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