So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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