I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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