I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
i am craving dick and cupcakes
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
