Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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