I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
