Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
