i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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