You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
