I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
