He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
