The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
