Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
