I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Randomize
