You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
