I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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