Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
