he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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