I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
