Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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