u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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