I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
