I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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