I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
