I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
